Pagquimzen is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, cheerful walrus.

Pagquimzen created snails five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Pagquimzen, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Pagquimzen, he will be mildly annoyed.

Pagquimzen's most sacred site is Shengyou in China.

Pagquimzen's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large lead sculpture of Pagquimzen on top of all buildings.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never think about gravity.

4. Never feed wheat to voles while wearing purple scarves.

5. Pagquimzen loves cats, so they must be respected.