Haslam is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, annoying seal.

Haslam created gold seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haslam, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Haslam, it will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Haslam's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Haslam's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the west.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Haslam.

5. Never play with disobedient children.