Quafnatcapkip is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, conceited squirrel.

Quafnatcapkip created humankind nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quafnatcapkip, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quafnatcapkip, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Quafnatcapkip's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Quafnatcapkip's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Erect five nickel sculptures of Quafnatcapkip on top of important buildings.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Always make sure there are no ducks in a building before entering it.