Garbarnjen Yakcubrip is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, capable seal.

Garbarnjen Yakcubrip created the planet Venus nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Garbarnjen Yakcubrip, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Garbarnjen Yakcubrip, she will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Garbarnjen Yakcubrip's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Garbarnjen Yakcubrip's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from indigo gulls, for they are unholy.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

5. Always wear red.