Zakartfed is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, two-faced snail.

Zakartfed created light two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zakartfed, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Zakartfed, it will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Zakartfed's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Zakartfed's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of nickel.

4. Never go into turquoise rooms.

5. Feed all hungry dogs.