Loopqueegfen is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, ruthless newt.

Loopqueegfen created humanity four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Loopqueegfen, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Loopqueegfen, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Loopqueegfen's most sacred site is Villaseta in Italy.

Loopqueegfen's Holy Commandments

1. Never jump near nematodes.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Do not skip in public.

4. Do not speak about cucumbers.

5. Never eat green fruit.