Hapmiltom is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, omnipotent finch.

Hapmiltom created life two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapmiltom, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Hapmiltom, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Hapmiltom's most sacred site is Manakuppam in India.

Hapmiltom's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Never jump in holy places.

4. Put Hapmiltom first in all things.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.