Kanfemgess Vidlopwap is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, witty narwhal.

Kanfemgess Vidlopwap created humankind three billion years ago.

If you believe in Kanfemgess Vidlopwap, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Kanfemgess Vidlopwap, he will turn you into a mouse.

Kanfemgess Vidlopwap's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Kanfemgess Vidlopwap's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate turtles.

2. Run away from violet otters, for they are unholy.

3. Never go into white rooms.

4. Do not take Kanfemgess Vidlopwap's name in vain.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.