Stanquaffed is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, grumpy seal.

Stanquaffed created the Andromeda Galaxy seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Stanquaffed, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Stanquaffed, he will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Stanquaffed's most sacred site is Askos in Greece.

Stanquaffed's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Always look after injured monkeys.