Jonvidgem is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, selfish armadillo.

Jonvidgem created a top quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonvidgem, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Jonvidgem, she will denounce you as a heretic.

Jonvidgem's most sacred site is Panormos in Greece.

Jonvidgem's Holy Commandments

1. Erect five zinc sculptures of Jonvidgem on top of important buildings.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

4. Jonvidgem must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Never eat green fruit.