Kaparnmil is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, irritating monkey.

Kaparnmil created the planet Earth nine million years ago.

If you believe in Kaparnmil, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Kaparnmil, he will destroy your favourite star.

Kaparnmil's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Kaparnmil's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

4. Never mention swans.

5. Never laugh in the presence of cats.