Begpakpit is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely thin, witless newt.

Begpakpit created snails three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Begpakpit, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Begpakpit, she will turn you into a snail.

Begpakpit's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Begpakpit's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Begpakpit.

4. Run away if five tortoises approach from the north.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.