Hotnartcap is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, clever newt.

Hotnartcap created life three million years ago.

If you believe in Hotnartcap, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Hotnartcap, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Hotnartcap's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Hotnartcap's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Hotnartcap.

2. Never feed cucumbers to sheep while wearing red hats.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate goats.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Hotnartcap.

5. Never mention seals.