Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag is a god.

He takes the form of a slender, unsympathetic snake.

Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag created Europe two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag, he will turn you into a rat.

Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag's most sacred site is Landsort in Sweden.

Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat tomatoes.

2. Hide from violet seals for they are unholy.

3. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

4. Kapkab Nurlcadquimsag must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Never feed peas to whales while wearing black rings.