Haswansaw is a god.

He takes the form of a three hundred metre long, narcissistic walrus.

Haswansaw created carbon six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haswansaw, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Haswansaw, he will cry a lot.

Haswansaw's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Haswansaw's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing in the presence of dolphins.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never jump near doves.

4. You must never eat coconuts.

5. Do not listen to music.