Quammonkik is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, weak toad.

Quammonkik created the solar system nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quammonkik, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Quammonkik, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quammonkik's most sacred site is Morella in Spain.

Quammonkik's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Always make sure there are no swans in a building before entering it.

3. Never talk about the weak nuclear force.

4. Never write about cell theory.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.