Figtarptab is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, selfish tortoise.

Figtarptab created a charm quark seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Figtarptab, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Figtarptab, he will send minions to preach to you.

Figtarptab's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Figtarptab's Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Never bounce in holy places.

4. Do not shave your chest.

5. Do not wear platinum on your body.