Fidtifxin is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, uncaring snail.

Fidtifxin created a Higgs boson seven million years ago.

If you believe in Fidtifxin, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Fidtifxin, she will turn you into a puffin.

Fidtifxin's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Fidtifxin's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never feed garlic to mice while wearing red dresses.

3. Never hurt rats.

4. Always wear fawn.

5. Never talk about fire.