Flamwapkam is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, boastful goblin.

Flamwapkam created a bottom quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Flamwapkam, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Flamwapkam, he will turn you into a plant.

Flamwapkam's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Flamwapkam's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Never think ill of sick mites.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.