Gessmilbig is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, witty jaguar.

Gessmilbig created the Virgo Supercluster nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gessmilbig, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Gessmilbig, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Gessmilbig's most sacred site is Leswalt in Scotland.

Gessmilbig's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate frogs.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Gessmilbig.

4. Do not sing in public.

5. Hide if five seals approach from the east.