Ontcutjarn is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, able fox.

Ontcutjarn created time and space six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontcutjarn, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Ontcutjarn, she will destroy your favourite star.

Ontcutjarn's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Ontcutjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Ontcutjarn.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Always make sure there are no monkeys in a room before entering it.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.