Nibtonkjab is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, merciless fairy.

Nibtonkjab created carbon nine million years ago.

If you believe in Nibtonkjab, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Nibtonkjab, she will turn you into a rock.

Nibtonkjab's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Nibtonkjab's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your face indigo.

2. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

3. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.