Gan is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, overgenerous crab.

Gan created everything that exists six million years ago.

If you believe in Gan, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gan, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Gan's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Gan's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never go into fawn rooms.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Never write about asteroids.

5. Do not covet oxen.