Gumtikvan is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, all-knowing goat.

Gumtikvan created the Sun six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gumtikvan, he will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Gumtikvan, he will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Gumtikvan's most sacred site is Panayadikuppam in India.

Gumtikvan's Holy Commandments

1. Gumtikvan must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Do not cook food in pots.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not trade with those who eat strawberries.