Apptamlik is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, sapient manatee.

Apptamlik created the planet Venus three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Apptamlik, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Apptamlik, it will turn you into a blue tit.

Apptamlik's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Apptamlik's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Feed all hungry great tits.

3. Retreat if three frogs approach from the north.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.