Tonquim is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, slow bird.

Tonquim created a charm quark four million years ago.

If you believe in Tonquim, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tonquim, it will attempt to scare you with floods.

Tonquim's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Tonquim's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Do not shave your back.

4. Worship no other gods but Tonquim.

5. Do not trade with those who eat figs.