Jontapsis is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, witty clam.

Jontapsis created tapeworms seven million years ago.

If you believe in Jontapsis, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Jontapsis, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Jontapsis' most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Jontapsis' Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Never feed limes to eagles while wearing fawn ear rings.

3. You must pray to Jontapsis seven times a day.

4. Do not hurt porpoises.

5. Put Jontapsis first in all things.