Tarwikkim is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, slow guinea pig.

Tarwikkim created a top quark eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarwikkim, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tarwikkim, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Tarwikkim's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Tarwikkim's Holy Commandments

1. Hide if six gulls approach from the south.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Never talk about gravity.