Pakquagquart is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, compassionate manatee.

Pakquagquart created the world six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Pakquagquart, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Pakquagquart, he will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Pakquagquart's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Pakquagquart's Holy Commandments

1. Put Pakquagquart first in all things.

2. Pakquagquart must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Pigs are not to be trusted.

5. Do not speak about cucumbers.