Bed is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, duplicitous narwhal.

Bed created energy nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Bed, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Bed, she will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Bed's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Bed's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat foxes with great respect.

2. Always help ants.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Never feed onions to doves while wearing pink shirts.

5. Do not dye your hair turquoise.