Quafnakyim is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, compassionate toad.

Quafnakyim created the planet Saturn three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quafnakyim, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Quafnakyim, he will turn you into a mouse.

Quafnakyim's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Quafnakyim's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never think about evolution by means of natural selection.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Always help seals in need.

5. Never write about the weak nuclear force.