Zagstandin is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, quiet squid.

Zagstandin created carbon six billion years ago.

If you believe in Zagstandin, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Zagstandin, she will try to impress you with trees.

Zagstandin's most sacred site is Kardous in Egypt.

Zagstandin's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing near hamsters.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Zagstandin.

3. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Never paint your back black.