Gontabvonk is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, quiet turtle.

Gontabvonk created snails two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gontabvonk, it will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Gontabvonk, it will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Gontabvonk's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Gontabvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Never mention nematodes.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Gontabvonk.