Tigcumfoss is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, overgenerous naga.

Tigcumfoss created light eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tigcumfoss, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tigcumfoss, it will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Tigcumfoss' most sacred site is Karikalampakkam in India.

Tigcumfoss' Holy Commandments

1. Tigcumfoss loves ants, so they must be honoured.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Run away from turquoise turtles, for they are unholy.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.