Tafflabmum is a god.

She takes the form of a three thousand metre long, wise turtle.

Tafflabmum created humankind eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tafflabmum, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Tafflabmum, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tafflabmum's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Tafflabmum's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about hamsters.

2. Always look after injured turtles.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Tafflabmum loves goats, so they must be respected.