Flaplarpmet is a god.

She takes the form of a six thousand metre long, pitiless raccoon.

Flaplarpmet created an up quark four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Flaplarpmet, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Flaplarpmet, she will turn you into an amoeba.

Flaplarpmet's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Flaplarpmet's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Feed all hungry tortoises.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Do not take Flaplarpmet's name in vain.

5. Never mention doves.