Captofcat is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, conceited walrus.

Captofcat created vertebrates five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Captofcat, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Captofcat, she will be mildly annoyed.

Captofcat's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Captofcat's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Run away if seven monkeys approach from the north.

3. Captofcat loves cats, so they must be respected.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never paint your back red.