Tonkquimrag is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, almighty penguin.

Tonkquimrag created the planet Mars five million years ago.

If you believe in Tonkquimrag, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tonkquimrag, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Tonkquimrag's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tonkquimrag's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention grasshopers.

2. Always help hamsters in need.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.