Jopvoncan is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, able manatee.

Jopvoncan created Europe seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Jopvoncan, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Jopvoncan, she will destroy your favourite solar system.

Jopvoncan's most sacred site is Cudillero in Spain.

Jopvoncan's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Always treat nematodes with great respect.

4. Do not wear magenta clothing.

5. Do not shave your back.