Bapjonyik is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, emotional hydra.

Bapjonyik created humankind five million years ago.

If you believe in Bapjonyik, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Bapjonyik, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Bapjonyik's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Bapjonyik's Holy Commandments

1. Bapjonyik loves dolphins, so they must be respected.

2. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

3. Put Bapjonyik first in all things.

4. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

5. Never look at comets.