Lakbelltom is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, staggering slug.

Lakbelltom created a photon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Lakbelltom, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Lakbelltom, she will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Lakbelltom's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Lakbelltom's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

2. Never look in ponds.

3. Never write about the strong nuclear force.

4. You must pray to Lakbelltom five times a day.

5. Do not bounce in public.