Zessbestvig is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, selfish owl.

Zessbestvig created vertebrates nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Zessbestvig, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Zessbestvig, he will not invite you to parties.

Zessbestvig's most sacred site is Hondarribia in Spain.

Zessbestvig's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Never sit in the presence of pigs.

3. Always make sure there are no dolphins in a building before entering it.

4. Run away if eight eagles approach from the south.

5. Never pour water over plants.