Toffatnutt is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, benevolent tapir.

Toffatnutt created vertebrates four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Toffatnutt, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Toffatnutt, it will turn you into a blue tit.

Toffatnutt's most sacred site is Nanjie in China.

Toffatnutt's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Erect a large platinum sculpture of Toffatnutt on top of all buildings.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.