Loopsomteen is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, benevolent coyote.

Loopsomteen created the planet Saturn eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Loopsomteen, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Loopsomteen, it will denounce you as a heretic.

Loopsomteen's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Loopsomteen's Holy Commandments

1. Swans are not to be trusted.

2. Loopsomteen must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Pray towards the south.

4. Loopsomteen loves whales, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.