Tansterfit is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, moody alligator.

Tansterfit created a top quark three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tansterfit, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Tansterfit, she will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Tansterfit's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Tansterfit's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Tansterfit seven times a day.

2. Put Tansterfit first in all things.

3. Do not listen to music.

4. You must love Tansterfit.

5. Do not trade with those who eat beans.