Lagquill is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, tranquil scorpion.

Lagquill created matter two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagquill, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lagquill, it will turn you into a rat.

Lagquill's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Lagquill's Holy Commandments

1. Always help dogs.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never sing in holy places.