Kamjanbig is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, competent grasshopper.

Kamjanbig created a top quark three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kamjanbig, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Kamjanbig, it will torture you forever.

Kamjanbig's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Kamjanbig's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed aubergines to shrews while wearing white dresses.

2. Never go into purple rooms.

3. Do not chop down trees.

4. Never write about asteroids.

5. Never wear cyan jumpers.