Pitlanvan is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, narcissistic dugong.

Pitlanvan created carbon four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Pitlanvan, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Pitlanvan, she will throw large rocks at you.

Pitlanvan's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Pitlanvan's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about the strong nuclear force.

2. Never bounce in holy places.

3. Do not drink water in violet rooms.

4. Never write about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

5. Never eat bark.