Padquatzog is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, selfish turtle.

Padquatzog created the Whirlpool Galaxy two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Padquatzog, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Padquatzog, he will turn you into a slug.

Padquatzog's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Padquatzog's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never skip in the presence of tortoises.

4. Always help sick squirrels.

5. Never think ill of sick badgers.