Baptanvon is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, boastful crane.

Baptanvon created Asia five million years ago.

If you believe in Baptanvon, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Baptanvon, he will send you a sign.

Baptanvon's most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Baptanvon's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Baptanvon.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Grasshopers are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Baptanvon on top of all buildings.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.